Darkness....

I see people enjoying thier life, having fun , carrying a big smile , people with attitude. these people may not be very happy but still they bother me . They bother me cause they makes me feel whats wrong with me , why i cannt enjoy , why i cannt carry a big smile all the times , why i cannt show the attitude, why everything bother me.... I am not jealous... But I am not very close to these people. I just stare them and wonder to be like them one day. Do I hate myself? or do i want to be the one who i m not ? I never had a relationship or friendship with a person who really feel alone when i m not around. I really need to change myself ..... I am really depressed... I want to enjoy my life. I feel old.